Triggers

I never really realized what a trigger was. I mean, there’s dictionary definitions and websites, but does it really capture what it encompasses? I’ll link my favorite below.

A trigger is “anything that might cause a person to recall a traumatic experience they’ve had.”

“In mental health terms, a trigger refers to something that affects your emotional state, often significantly, by causing extreme overwhelm or distress. A trigger affects your ability to remain present in the moment. It may bring up specific thought patterns or influence your behavior.”

I don’t know if one definition can describe the feelings one exactly goes through. The 2nd definition is definitely more accurate to my feelings. I never knew I had triggers. I don’t even know what most of them are… It’s scary. It’s caused me to have panic attacks in the middle of nowhere.

All of the sudden, I’m climbing a hill in Portugal, and I’m gasping for air, and I wasn’t just simply out of shape. I can feel my body overheating and it’s as if I’m about to burst. I realize I’m having a panic attack on our way to a wine tasting in Portugal… What do I do? Of course not want to both anyone with my problems. So, I immediately go to a bathroom and attempt to wrap my head around what had just happened the last 10 minutes or so.

The adrenaline of running to the cellar had worn off. All that was left was how I felt about the smallest little action. It was something I did.

I was my own trigger this time.

I made a mistake, and I was transported back to a time that caused me to associate failure and dissatisfaction with Pain, Abandonment, and Betrayal.

I made a mistake, and once the adrenaline wore off, I got scared. Perhaps, I was scared that same thing that happened to me in the past would happen again. But, it can’t.

I’m learning to remind myself this is a new chapter with new plots, and new characters. The persona I am today has learned and grown from the past chapters. This is new. This is a different situation. They can not hurt me like that.

Why?

Mainly because I choose to not let anyone do that to me ever again. I choose to be in control. Being in control of your life is a good thing.

I know that I have many more hidden triggers. Yet, the best I can do is recognize them, reach out to others and be honest about how I’m doing, ask for help, and keep going. They will begin to effect me less on a daily basis. But until this, I can only do my best and remind myself where I am.