TW: Sexual Assault
7/24/22
The date that changed me forever.
It all happened so fast… Yet, I remember it like it was yesterday.
I didn’t ask for it.
I never said yes.
When you asked if I wanted to go to the bathroom, I said no.
That should’ve been enough.
When you asked if I wanted to kiss, I said no.
That should’ve been enough.
It was when you stopped asking questions after my repeated nos.
When your fingertips slid my dress up my thigh.
My silence filled the gap.
I didn’t SAY no.
I just pulled it back down.
I turned around,
So you couldn’t do that anymore.
That should’ve been enough…
It was when you, again, tucked your fingers under my dress.
This time, pulling it up far enough for my underwear to be seen by all eyes.
But how would they know I’m in danger?
I didn’t say no.
I just pulled it back down.
I turned around.
And I walked away.
That should’ve been enough…
It was when I was laughing and dancing with my friends in front of the DJ, trying to crack a smile out of him,
You pulled me back in.
I froze.
I didn’t say anything.
I didn’t do anything.
It was when you spun me around where my butt was in your crotch and you lifted my dress.
When you shoved your grimy hand down my underwear.
I was shook.
I was stuck.
I didn’t move.
I didn’t say anything.
I imagine I was as white as a ghost.
That should’ve been enough…
It was when you pinned me up against my friend.
It all should’ve been enough…
So why did you continue…
Continue to feel your way up my dress.
Continue to feel your way through my body without my permission.
I just stood there.
I just took it.
I didn’t know what to do.
Then you ever so violently ripped your hand out of me, wiping the remnants on the back of my dress.
My dress that I just bought and I absolutely adored. A dress like nothing I’d worn before, but for once, I felt beautiful and sexy in. I should be allowed to feel sexy without having to please you…
A dress that was now ruined. Both physically and mentally.
Thanks to you, it was stained from my own bodily fluids.
Thanks to you, I can’t wear that shade of green.
Thanks to you, that shade of green will forever haunt me.
Thanks to you, I threw away that dress.
I just wanted to have a memorable last weekend in Spain with the amazing people I had met this summer. And I did. But, you made it unforgettable for other reasons.
The following days, I remember thinking about you, and what you did, about every 5 minutes. As I was going into my final exams, I became numb, blank, and lost. Mentally, I was on pause.
I had already planned and booked a 1 ½ week solo backpacking trip through Europe. I had plans to stop through 5-6 different countries. Traveling through Europe has been my dream for my entire life: Since I was old enough to create memories, to dare to dream. I almost let you take that away from me… But I couldn’t. I was about to embark on an adventure that would change me in ways I can’t explain.
I still see you from time-to-time.
When I see that color green, I see you.
When someone catcalls me, I see you.
When the boy in Paris kissed me without consent, I saw you.
When I confide in a friend and tell them, I see you.
In fact, I see you right now while writing this.
But I am sharing this because even though I see you here, there, and almost anywhere, I am certain that my words matter.
You may have taken parts of me, and left me with a broken, dirty, distressed body,
but you will never take my voice nor my words.
Our words will always matter.
Maddy Leigh 