Maddy Leigh

TW: Anxiety, ED

“If somebody sees me like this then they won’t feel alone now.”

My Mind and Me- Selena Gomez

Hey Everyone, My name is Maddy.

If you haven’t heard it, the song “My Mind and Me” by Selena Gomez is amazing, and if you are able to, I’d love if you could listen to the song before continuing.

For me, the song describes my purpose for creating this website or even the reason why I am sharing my experiences.

I struggle with various mental health difficulties, some that not many or no people know about. So hearing a song, that someone else has battles too? It makes me feel safer: like I am not the only one.

I do not write for pity. 

I do not write for sympathy. 

I write for you. 

I write for us.

I write for any possibility that you can connect to my words, and you can feel better in the place you are today. 

Thus far, I’ve shared myself, my words, my experiences in an attempt so that we don’t have to feel alone anymore and we can be together in this incredibly daunting world.

So…

Here are some truths about me, and maybe you’ll feel a little less alone.

If you know me, or have met me, I am sure you perceive me as an optimistic, energetic, happy-go-lucky individual who always has a smile on her face. 

The truth is, I am her.

However, I am also someone who struggles with Anxiety, on a daily basis. There are times I cannot breathe. Sometimes my chest is physically shaking. Times where I have to cancel on friends and family because I just physically and mentally am frozen… Sometimes I forget to breathe and I have to remind myself that taking deep breaths is what helps me. That’s when I can feel my heart rate begin to come back to resting beat, my chest deflates, and my muscles loosen.

The truth about my anxiety is that it is causing my body to make me sick, physically. I can’t eat because I am so anxious. I don’t drink caffeine if I am super anxious, nor alcohol. I think exercise helps my anxiety, but how do I do that when I might have undiagnosed depression and can’t get out of bed or be motivated to exercise?

Ya, I think I have undiagnosed depression. 

I think I’ve always convinced myself I don’t because most times I am the silliest, goofiest, happiest person who’s always laughing.

I think the truth is, anyone can be depressed. 

You never know what’s going on in someone’s head, or how they’re feeling. And for some reason, we have made it seem like it is COOL to be so strong, have no emotions, and plaster a smile on, no matter what. But for me, I think it was killing me, inside out. It’s as if there’s a hole in my heart. A black pit that is really dark and scary and I don’t wanna go down there… And It’s been really difficult to cry lately. I used to cry almost every day lol, and be super emotional and sensitive (If you know, you know). Now, I rarely cry. (I hope she’s okay…) I hope to dive more into my possible depression with a therapist soon, because talking it out with someone is good…

Part of me wonders if I have created this website and began writing as a coping mechanism to share all of my feelings before anyone can ask or discover them. I really hope that years to come, somehow I am still writing and sharing my words so that it reaffirms to myself that this meant something. It wasn’t an escape.

If you’ve known me in recent years, you may know I’ve been Diagnosed with ADHD. 

(This makes so much sense to me lol literally typing in parentheses to talk to you in a different voice hehe).

It has been really challenging figuring out how to live daily life and do my daily functions. I really struggle taking care of myself. There was a really bad stretch for a few months this last year where I really could only get out of bed and go to work.

I had no motivation for doctors appointments, new insurance, Landry, dishes, or literally anything that benefitted me.  However, let me tell you, if you needed any of that? I got you. I can help any one in a second, but if it’s for myself? Helping myself? Pfffff nahhhhh

I am still struggling with this battle every day. The best way I can describe it that I’ve felt mentally blocked. It even causes my words to slur and me to speak in gibberish almost. It’s frustrating, and it makes me feel stupid.

One thing that I have not told many people is that I have been struggling with an Eating Disorder.

I didn’t even realize it was happening… I think it all started back when I got diagnosed with Anxiety in the Fall of 2020. I was so anxious, and nauseous all the time, I just could not eat. Over that year, I lost a lot of weight. And I began to like how I looked. Unfortunately, when you lose weight, society flowers you with compliments, reinforcing the behavior, or even worse, comments negatively about your weight loss, which caused me to question my worth. I honestly thought I was becoming happier… but I obviously was sliding down a hill I didn’t know existed.

I distinctly remember asking some individuals in my life if they thought I had an ED. (This should have been my first sign… I didn’t need permission or approval to have an ED…) and when they said they didn’t think I did, I felt better. I thought. “Well if they say I don’t, I must not.” LOL. I was nervous that I had stopped eating 3 meals a day at that point; I was only eating 2 smaller ones, because that’s all my stomach could take. And I wasn’t concerned because I never avoided foods, like dessert’s my favorite food group and I would eat dessert for the rest of my life if I could.

3 years later, after coming home from Guatemala, I realized I had an unhealthy relationship with food when I was consciously watching what I ate, when I ate, limiting it, and shaming myself. In Guatemala, there was this sweet bread that was so so so so good. Ugh my favorite thing there. I feel like I’ve always been told carbs are bad, you get fat, Blah blah. I felt like I shouldn’t eat the bread, but I wanted to eat more than one… Plus, they always had a bowl of bread out! So, I texted a friend in the states, told her the situation, and like a best friend should say, she said “GIRL when are you gonna be back in Guatemala eating THAT Sweet Bread? Eat it!” SO, I ate all the dang bread for the rest of the trip and I felt so good.

Or another time I will never forget, I remember weighing myself and I said out loud “I literally cannot be more than ___ pounds.”  Once I said that sentence, my jaw dropped, and I covered my mouth. I didn’t actually say that out loud, did I? Not even just think it, but say it? 

Because of my ED, I threw away my scale, and I haven’t weighed myself in months. I threw away my fully length body-mirror to avoid looking at my body too critically. I will know if an outfit matches by putting it on the bed 😉 I took breaks from many social media apps because my mental health and eating disorder were so bad, I was letting other peoples’ “perfect instagram lives” influence my worthiness and how much I ate everyday…

But, just because I did these things, that doesn’t mean it “fixed” it. I had begun skipping meals. Only eating at work, where people saw me, trying to hide it, to cover it up. But, I was also trying to get better. It was like the real life devil and angel on my shoulders, telling me different things, dragging me from good to bad.

Why did/do I do it? My brain is tricking me into telling me that I need to change, for you. For the world. But when will we finally learn this body is for ourselves… This Body is mine. It provides me with power, intelligence, dance moves, laughter, and it makes one mean latte. ❤

I have a goal to print a picture of my childhood self, and stick it to my mirror, because I don’t want to do this to her anymore. She deserves so much more.

She deserves to be loved by me. 

Once she can be loved by me, I will be able to let in the love that surrounds her; Because unfortunately I am shutting out everyone that loves and cares for the both of us.

My truth is that I am recovering, from a lot over the last several years.

But they all have one thing in common. 

I have yet to forgive myself. For anything. 

I either blame myself, or I don’t believe that it when people say “It wasn’t your fault.”

My goal is to work on forgiveness for myself, for all I’ve done, and all that’s happened in my life.

As I said before, I do not want you to feel bad for me…

I am sharing my story because I am trying to be strong enough for anyone who needs this. 

I am trying to be someone that I needed. 

I am trying to be someone that I need, right now still.