Maddy Leigh

I’ve been blocked in my creative mindset for some time now. 

But, the truth is… I blocked myself. For some reason, I convinced myself that it wasn’t worth my time to write. To create this art. I convinced myself that my feelings weren’t worthy or my voice didn’t matter: to anyone, including me.

I was hurting myself by holding myself back. Because letting myself write is what gives me peace of mind. Seeing words come alive makes my anxiety diminish. Developing an essay provides a route in which I can decipher what I feel.

But, why? Why would I prevent myself from doing such a thing that brings me clarity and tranquility?

Perhaps because I am scared… 

I once had a conversation with a coworker about our biggest fear; it was the first time I was honest about it. I used to think my biggest fear was death of any sort. However, my biggest fear in life is being seen, truly, for who I am.

Fearing abandonment.

Fearing judgment.

Fearing disappointment.

I feared these things not only from my peers, but myself too. In fact, I think I fear that more. Fearing that, I am not this individual I am all worked up to be. Fearing that maybe this person I am, is not as beautiful as I imagined I would be. I have a hope that someday, I will no longer fear letting others or myself in. Or, I hope that someday I will not let that fear control me.