We live in a world where expectations push us to limits that have never been seen before, striving for success and excellence. And then, there’s that inner voice that pushes you even harder than any boss, than any record previously set, than any stranger on the internet. This voice can be my angel or my demon, and it’s what drives me to burnout.
I push myself over the edge. I drive the car straight off the ‘I-can-do-it’ cliff. It isn’t until I’m free falling. That I start to feel this sense of peace; like the calm before the storm. Looking out, along the horizon, at the world I’ve overcome. I think to myself, “those tall skyscrapers aren’t so big and scary now, are they?”
It’s all so serene…
Until you hit the ground. And, you never land elegantly, you come crashing down. This is the mental breaking point. There’s destruction and broken pieces of yourself, lying scattered on the dirt. And all at once in that moment, you feel the pain: All the emotional, mental, and physical pain that you’ve been avoiding has led up to this moment.
That drop nearly killed me. When I realized what happened, how empty I felt, how tired I was, how, when I tried to scream for help, what filled the silence between sobs was nothing other than regrets and broken dreams.
It’s kind of poetic if you think about it: Pushing ourselves so far over the edge that we end up right where we started in the beginning, just so we can endure the pain all again.
Yet, in our reality, how do they expect me to just get back up? Because now, I am battered, bruised, and broken, but that doesn’t change people’s expectations of me. That doesn’t stop the world from revolving or stop time. They expect me to be at the top of that fucking mountain, but they can’t see that I can’t even stand on my own two feet.
I am still recovering from another case of burnout.
When I am burnt out, I feel like someone else is in control of my body. I feel like the things that are usually important to me are nowhere near my conscious mind. I feel like the things that motivated me, like writing, like this website, they feel pointless. They feel like a waste of my time. It’s that demon inside of me, trying to keep me in the burnout. It’s as if the demon sabotages me, by taking all of my knowledge of ‘what to do when I’m having an anxiety attack’, and all of my knowledge of self care, and it throws it down the drain. And it says, “screw you, good luck.”
It makes me confused on how I got here, to the stage in life I am in. Because I swore at other times, I felt stronger than this… So, how could I let myself get to this point? How could I let myself get so, low?..
Life is not a linear line. It will not be perfect and go as planned, and we do not get all the answers.
There will be ups and downs in our lives. Some of the downs will be confusing. They may make you question everything about yourself, about life, about it all up until this point.
But, it can only be considered a down, if it goes back up again.
I can’t tell you how to prevent burnout. Because we “magically” have this way of overworking ourselves and piling so much on our plate, thinking that all of this is filling our hearts with joy and love, and it likely is in a way. However, every person is different. Everything impacts everyone differently. And if you’re anything life me, you struggle with knowing when too much is too much for you to handle. So, Please take time to learn who you are and what YOU need.
We owe it to ourselves to learn who we are. To discover our boundaries. To figure out what the hell is draining us…
You deserve to be the best version of yourself that you can be.
Some people are acknowledging that burnout exists, and are not sweeping it under the rug.
Discover what burnout is.
Recognize symptoms that you, a friend, coworker, or anyone may be experiencing.
Reach out for help, because no one should have to go through it alone.
Maddy Leigh 